Sunday, October 31, 2010

Looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

I know in life there is a is nice to look at and we gravitate towards it...expecting a pot of gold at the end..but is there.

To many people..the rainbow and pot of gold is many things ..same hair color..different intention

I dunno what my rainbow is....but to me..the pot of gold is life contentment

What is life content
-free of debt
-have a good home
-Good and reliable friends
-a son..i really want a son

Where am I now

-I can brag that I work at an MNC but I am so ashamed to show people my workplace..ahahaha..not the dreamjob I expected 5 years ago..but beggars like me can't be choosy..not in this economic climate.

-Can't afford the super duper expensive but small houses in KL..I wanna live in KL or have a house in Selangor...worse Ipoh. But my mom and aunty bought a really big house in Shah Alam when it was not 40% overpriced as now in 2007. The loan is very2 long and I guess I will have to chip in some day. I dunno..see la..maybe they sell it for good money but then what can they buy after that...a flat? Better to keep the house.At least it is landed.


I have to tell the truth..I have difficulty investing interest in women around me..maybe I am now..I am the only man of the mom, sister,nenek,bibik and aunty.gosh..and the girls that I have met..are...'blank'..well.dunno what to say. But have no money for that responsibility yet.I have other plans for my money.
But I am no queer..I'd like to have a family..a child...likely a son,..I dun even mind adopting but in our system, need to be married to adopt..damn..susah jugak takde mak nanti jadi pelek anak nanti..entahla..just wait for some spark to happen.

EMotional downturn

Another reality.I am not actually happy. I am getting mood swings. I know I dun have what women have once a month bit at some times I get very emotional and angry and yang kene family aku. I am rather rude to my mom and grandmother especially when they get fussy(biasele perempuan) I when I get that swing I try to to stay in my room and just lie there..playing with the hamster and relieving myself.I am usually able to pent up these swings at work by indulging in some simple pleasures and keeping myself busy..dem what is wrong with me.


I am actuallt not happy with my life.some parts of me. My family is middle class and educated. My mom and dad divorced but we got over it. One thing I am not happy despite being a RM20 000/month household..but this is recent as I have started working and my mom promoted twice 3 years and her salary doubled and my aunty get steep salary hikes every year..we were probably poorer by 50% in 2006..despite this 'durian runtuh' in income elevation..we are financially insecure My mom us still tied to the relatively new house loan(while people her age had already paid off theirs) plus the commitement to the shah alam house,and the car loans, I owe MARA some 10% of the total SPC scheme which I am grateful considering the other 90% is free and my brother's is saddled with his own study loan after he bungled up in his radiotherapy course after which he went into marketing in which he is doing quite well thank god.I now have my sister to worry about. I'd like her to go into into a field with job security. No engineering or biotech..either she takes accounting, pharmacy or medicine. She is smart but playful..but I am sure she'll do fine but i'd like to be there to help in any way so that she does not go through the shit I went through.

I guess there are many factors I am not happy
-Many things in 2009 made me angry..I have never gotten over it and I felt like killing several people.But I was at fault too..but I want to believe it is totally their fault.
-I am aerospace graduate..but stuck in a electronics factory..guess I take this as a personal and career failure and my position at MEMC is not confirmed yet till February. Guess that will be the test in my career direction.
-My stupid father went missing. He still gives his pathethic dumb amount of a money for our upbringing but he is totally useless.We are not sure he's still living at his old place and he will only talk to us via SMS..won't even pick up his phone for us. But we are fine even without his stupid monthly contribution.Up to him la...10 years ago he made a decision to leave us and even disappeared for 6 months..I am not surprised with him as it is now but still seriously upset with my old man.Maybe I am bitter because of his genes..gosh!!!
-There are many things...which I dun bother to share..coz people don;t care...hahha..don't worry..I'll figure something up..I have had too many surprises to give up now. I still have a family and some good friends I can rely on..not the shithead fake friends I had and pretentious cousins who wish to see I fail.

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